In a utopian world, all relationships would be ‘perfect’, with both partners having the same thought process and mental wavelength. Everyone would be content and satisfied with one another..but in reality, it doesn't work like that. Like all milestones in life, relationships have a special place in the lives of the majority of people. However, with new alliances and bonds, there are challenges and differences in opinions. Neurodiverse relationships too, pose their own challenges.
A neurodiverse relationship is one between neurotypical and neurodivergent individuals (an individual whose thought process diverges significantly from the dominant societal standard of ‘normal’).
Due to their differences in thinking there are often more hurdles to overcome than in your average relationship.
In such cases, it often occurs that neurotypical people may misinterpret the cues being given out by their neurodiverse partner, or vice versa. Therefore communication with one another is vital, and so is being straightforward rather than being passive aggressive or ‘beating around the bush’.
When talking about a neurodiverse relationship, it’s important to address the accusation of the relationship becoming ‘too much to handle’ or ‘high maintenance’. These terms are offensive towards the neurodivergent individual as they make neurodiversity a disability or abnormality. This also objectifies the person as the relationship should be a safe and secure space, instead of something you should feel the need to ‘maintain’.
Leaving the relationship or ‘backing out’ just because it gets ‘too much’, is unfair to the neurodivergent individual as it implies that the failed relationship was their fault. When committed in a neurodiverse relationship the neurotypical person is aware of the situation and willingly accepting of that lifestyle, and hence should look past the ‘disorder’.
When being in a relationship like this, it’s all about finding the balance with one another. If a common ground is not acquired, there are chances of miscommunication and misunderstandings, which can lead to a pile up of negative emotions; anger, sadness, helplessness. If these thoughts and feelings remain unaddressed, they can lead to losing control and, in some cases, abuse. Abuse and violence in any way or form is wrong and it impacts the victim. The abuse could become a way to cope with the frustration in the relationship and can have large mental and physical impacts. It is easier to be abused as a neurodivergent person, as they are at a disadvantage. This makes their situation more challenging and appears as though the neurotypical individual is asserting their power on the relationship.
However what would happen if the neurodivergent individual were the abuser? And in those situations should they be excused because of their disorder?
There are stances where the neurotypical person is abused and this is when the topic becomes contradictory. One can say that a neurodivergent person should be excused, to an extent, as they may not always be able to control their reactions and emotions. A neurodivergent person's mindset and bringing up differs from that of a neurotypical individual, who understands and fully knows that violence is wrong. But neurodivergent people often aren't equipped with the correct tools or environment to cope and release it in ways they may not be able to control.
There are often triggers which can lead to abusive behaviour, such as a sensitive topic or a particular ‘action’. These triggers are different and vary from person to person, and it is important to identify them to prevent an increase in friction.
Communication and understanding are crucial for neurodiverse relationships, and even though they have their own challenges; leaving because both are unhappy, after trying their best and putting in their effort is not wrong. However, it does not mean that it is impossible. If both individuals are happily committed and feel content, safe and secure with each other, it can lead to a strong bond that is no different than that of a neurotypical relationship.
By Ayesha Kampani and Nehal Saxena
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